Original Home thoughts

Lately I've been scared of being right here and right now. I couldn't even bring myself to listen to music. Every song I saved in my playlist is wired to some random or specific memory. There are a few aspects that I find unsatisfactory looking at my existence. Some have their roots in last year's soil, some are as old as my conscience.

This is a very rare moment when I am truly trying to look at myself from a 3rd person perspective. I can even listen to music. It's 2 A.M., the 1st of November 2020. I am currently at my original home. [Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing (Kygo Remix)] rocks my JBL headset. I wanted to rant for a bit, but unfortunately for my cause, the song has restored my strength, temporarily. 

I am living an unorganized, unorthodoxly peaceful life. I create my own problems from spit and mud like I'm some god of an oddly chaotic, yet excessively self-aware common-folk. I think that phrase just summed-up the predicament I and my self-called "brain" are in.

[Syn Cole - Miami 82 (Kygo Remix)]

My brain, being this negativist son of a bitch (forgive me, mother), or I'd rather put it this way - having this wonderful sense of wrongly analysing certain situations - finds it easier to put me through pain than to ease me from it. This, and trust me I don't know how, has given me in time the power of disconnecting. This usually works as a coping mechanism for potentially traumatic events and/or persons. [KAASI - Maybe Monday]

How am I disconnecting? I'm asking myself. It's a pretty simple pattern I'm using since I got to know what makes me feel safe in this world. I crave order, peace of mind and adventurous imaginary scenarios that confirm my life visions. I even create order right now, through getting all this on paper. I spent days writing on this blog, choosing the right colour for each font, double-checking movies' IMDb ratings etc. You get it, I try to make up virtually for having a real chaotic existence. 

I did all this in the year of my most important exams. I was so scared of failure and at the same time I wasn't acting on it, therefore I chose to at least be responsible of the legacy I thought it really mattered: my intellectual property. The art I appreciated. I thought to myself "If I'll end up as a failure, roaming on the streets, I would want to be an interesting talk to the other hobos".

Joking aside, I feel like no matter what bad experiences I get through, as long as I'm not losing myself it will be fine. As long as I can share my thoughts, ideas and vision I'm worth a shot at redemption. The books I've read, the movies/series/documentaries/anime I've watched, the games I've played - they all represent pieces of who I am. Even though I consist of matter, I think of myself as a series of electrical impulses which determine thoughts and feelings. 

I am almost totally mentally fuelled by memories. [Daft Punk - Short Circuit]

Saying that, it's time to embark on Vali Cauciuc's Tour de comuna Sageata, starting from Dambroca, all the way to Gavanesti and beyond. Not beyond Robeasca though, it's too far into darkness and obscurity to deserve a direct bus trip.

Enough with tonight's confessions, father. I promise tomorrow I shall sin wholeheartedly, as regrets keep coming and won' t leave.

CHECK THIS BANGER BY MY BOY DURANTE Y'ALL [Durante - Full Moon]